Page 682 – “‘…but first tell me only, if you will, whither you wish to go…’”

Conflict resolution, and an end to the chapter. We’re all friends now.

As pictured: Faramir and the hobbits.

Frodo, now trusting Faramir, admits that their goal is to take the ring into Mordor, and destroy it in Mount Doom. Frodo, overcome, passes out. Faramir carries him to bed, and has another set for Sam, who tells Faramir that his choice not to meddle is the right one. Faramir reminds Sam of Gandalf, and it’s safe to say that that’s a great compliment.

If you’re comparing a near stranger to Gandalf, it’s quite clear that you’ve become friends. Unless Sam is throwing that around lightly (and we’ve noticed that his decision making isn’t the best sometimes), it’s very high praise for Faramir. For his part, Faramir has remarked that Frodo has a sort of elvish air about him, so the compliments have been mutual. He did also praise gardeners in the Shire earlier, so Sam gets a small piece, too.

And that’s all you get.

We can all sleep now in peace, as friends. Friends are good. Hobbits are friends, not food.

Were they ever food?

No one dies today.

“‘Maybe you discern from far away the air of Númenor. Good night!’”

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Page 636 – “Chapter 3 – The Black Gate is Closed”

Once again, this is a chapter where the title is going to spoil some of the action for us. Guess what? Don’t expect the Black Gate to be open.

Freakin’ gated communities, man.

Today is basically just a geographical lesson on the mountains and plains of Mordor. Two watchtowers overlook the Black Gate, and Frodo and Sam are now close enough to see the guards pacing the battlements. Things don’t look promising.

First Mentions:

-the Ered Lithui: Also known as the Ash Mountains, these mark the northern boundary of Mordor. The elven names are always prettier.

-Lithlad: Plains in the southeast of Mordor, covered in ash from Mount Doom. Classy.

-Núrnen: An inland sea in the middle of Mordor. It’s probably bad. Everything is.

-the Teeth of Mordor: The two watchtowers at the Black Gate, built by the men of Gondor after the first defeat of Sauron. That ended well. They abandoned them, allowing Sauron’s forces to take them easily.

New things! It’s been quite a while since we had a good batch of First Mentions, but we get plenty today. Remember those days of double-digit First Mentions? Those were nuts. NUTS, I SAY.

AHHHHHHHH.

So, naturally, this should be easy, right? Two mountain ranges, plains of deadness and ash, two horribly dark watchtowers patrolled by an army of orcs? That’s it? This page is all about telling us how awfully hard it’s going to be to simply walk into Mordor. Oh, have we covered that already?

Words My Computer Didn’t Like:

-Ephel

-Dúath

-Lithui

-Lithlad

-Núrnen

Ephel Dúath is the elven name for the Mountains of Shadow. Now you know. And, aren’t I right? Elven names sound prettier!

No one dies today.

“Winging the heavy air in straight flight a crow, maybe, would have flown but a furlong…”

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Page 634 – “…with a jerk as Sméagol spoke again.”

Sam makes one of his better decision today. That’s a rare thing. Instead of hopping up and surprising Gollum, trying to catch him in his plotting, Sam opts to pretend to wake. He yawns loudly, to which Gollum hisses and skitters away from Frodo. When Frodo comes to, he sees a happy Gollum, eager to please. Frodo smiles and tells him that he must take them to the Black Gate of Mordor. Once there, they will not require his guidance any further. They move out at dusk.

Onward!

Today’s Gollum Meter: 43 – “Feeling better. But you’re still sketchy.”

Believe it or not, it’s not a far stretch to say that they’re getting close. If everything were to go according to plan, Frodo and Sam could sneak into Mordor in the next few days. Think of how much easier things would be if that happened! Not only would they already be in Mordor, but Gollum would be set free, so there wouldn’t be that whole issue with Shelob later. Of course, Sam rightly recognizes that setting Gollum loose wouldn’t necessarily be the best option right now. Is he more dangerous in the shadows, or right in front of them? It looks like he’s alright for now.

With not much else to say about this very page, I want to bring up my dream from last night. I had a dream that I was simply walking into Mordor! I think I dreamed that I was Frodo, I guess, and Sam and I were at about the same place in the journey where they actually are right now. Somehow or another, we made it to the Black Gate, and Gollum just swung the whole thing open from the inside. Easy! However, instead of going straight to Mount Doom, we took the eastern way around it, because I guess we thought that would keep us out of sight more? I don’t know. That’s when we ran into the giant crabs guarding Mordor from the hilltops.

What.

Yes. Crabs. Unfortunately, we alerted them, and they all ran down and surrounded us. That’s how it all ended. Thanks for playing.

WHAT. Sometimes, I get bored.

No one dies today.

“They had not gone far…”

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Page 631 – “…on in his wretched heart between the pressure of the Eye…”

Walking is best when done en masse, so I guess I can’t complain about today. After remarking that it’s nearly impossible to tell what’s going on in Gollum’s head, and making a brief pit stop to say that Sam is starting to really worry about Frodo, the narrative skips ahead TWO WHOLE DAYS.

Still walking, though. No skipping.

They’ve gotten out of the marshes by now, and the days were filled with trudging through the barren lands dotted by a pool here or there. Nothing too memorable. Now, with the mountains only a few miles away, the hobbits can see out to the wasteland on the borders of Mordor. IT’S HORRIBLE. Nothing is alive. Absolutely nothing. The only water is stagnant and covered with ash, and mounds of rock lie as the only markers other than the mountains. Sounds great.

Today’s Gollum Meter: 72 – “Nothing much to report, other than this road SUCKS.”

Looks exciting, huh? As if the Emyn Muil wasn’t confusing enough, or the Dead Marshes gross enough, we finally get to the worst land yet. It’s just…nothing. When they say (whoever they might be) that the air and water of Mordor are simply poisonous, this is basically what they’re talking about. There’s a volcano, remember? That doesn’t usually translate into a great, flourishing ecosystem. The ash spewed out from Mount Doom has covered this land, and I would imagine that the lands inside the mountains (true Mordor) have it worse off.

Because this kind of thing will do some damage.

Don’t even try to forget about the damage to a land that evil can cause. Not only is there this horrible natural feature that will destroy the land, but there’s this dude sitting in a tower imparting his evil will on everything. Plants don’t seem to like that sort of thing, so they just go away. Do you see Treebeard wanting to come anywhere near this place?

Things aren’t looking too promising for our heroes. But…what else can you do, turn around?

No one dies today.

“They had come to the desolation that lay before Mordor: the lasting monument to the dark labour of its slaves that should endure when all their purposes were made void; a land defiled, diseased…”

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Page 624 – “‘I dunno,’ said Sam.”

Things get really real today. In talking about rationing their food, the question of a return journey comes up. Frodo and Sam have got enough food for three more weeks or so, maybe. Well…should they make it all the way to Mordor and Mount Doom, perhaps there won’t be a need for food.

WHAT?! That’s depressing. Sam quickly changes the topic to Gollum, who is still missing. He quietly slinks back, eating…something. He seems to think that the hobbits trust him now. He didn’t kill and eat them in their sleep, anyway.

Nothing wrong with that.

Today’s Gollum Meter: 55 – “Eh. Okay. We have other things to worry about.”

Speaking of worrying…I actually don’t think Frodo is being pessimistic today. Should they actually complete their task and destroy the ring, they won’t need food again – BECAUSE THEY’LL BE KINGS. Sure, if they fail, they’ll die. That’s clear, but what I noticed on a second read is that there’s totally an optimistic take to this. Should they destroy the ring, they’ll be celebrated throughout the land. Is that part of what Frodo means? I’d like to think so. Optimism! It’s what I’m here for.

…unless it pertains to Sam. He still isn’t out of the woods yet from all his dumb choices so far.

Kitteh = Sam, lost in the woods.

Meanwhile, Gollum has proven to be somewhat trustworthy, and not even Sam can disagree with that. It hasn’t taken very long at all for Gollum to become a footnote in this journey. Frodo and Sam are looking quite far ahead.

Words My Computer Didn’t Like:

-Brr

Really? Has my computer never felt a cold chill? Pathetic.

No one dies today.

“As they went on the gully became ever shallower and the slope of its…”

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Page 397 – “…sunlight. Frodo halted and looked out over the River…”

Quick question: let’s say you need some time to think about a huge moment of decision in your life. Who would you want to give you advice to help you with that choice?

I’m sure most people would answer as such: their parents, their best friends, Morgan Freeman, etc. That guy who’s lusting after all of your power? Yeah, I wouldn’t pick that guy.

Unless it’s Morgan Freeman lusting after all my power. He can have it.

So, while Frodo’s trying to have some time to himself, Boromir wanders up with the pretense of wanting to protect the ring-bearer. Frodo admits to being afraid, but he knows what Boromir will counsel him to do. Going to Minas Tirith, in Frodo’s mind, is a delay, and only destined to fail when the city is overwhelmed. He’s completely right in saying that they must destroy the ring as quickly as possible. Only then, regardless of fortifications and strength of arms, will they be safe.

Fellowship of the LATE: 122 pages

Yep, still no.

I’m going to add a person to that list from the beginning. You know who I’d like to have give me advice? Frodo Baggins. Guy has some great points. The only way to ensure safety? DESTROY EVIL. It works in every story ever.

And Ganondorf is proof that being “sealed away” is just an ineffective slap on the wrist.

And of course, if you want to get to Mount Doom as soon as possible, you might as well go straight there. A holiday in Minas Tirith isn’t going to help you at all in that regard, and it might even turn into a siege. Nothing says “un-holiday” like a siege.

All in all, today’s conversation is just another reason to say “boo” to Boromir. Boo-romir, if I haven’t said that already.

“‘Is it not a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt for…’”

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Page 385 – “…grey weathered stone dark with ivy…”

If given the choice, I would trade Gollum for birds. In fact, what WOULDN’T I trade Gollum for?

I could probably even get a good return by trading Gollum for a member of the Charlotte Bobcats.

Instead of Gollum trailing them, the Fellowship sees birds flying above. It is unknown whether they are spy-birds or not. Some larger bird flies among them, which looks to be an eagle.

More nights of travel pass, until Aragorn fears that they are coming to the rapids of Sarn Gebir. Sam serves as a lookout, and sees rocks ahead, with water swirling around them. The boats are swept aside, bumping together.

Fellowship of the LATE: 110 pages

Tomorrow is eleventy-one!

All things considered, the eagle is probably a good sign, although everyone seems skeptical. Eagles are good, remember. They’re friends of Radagast, and thus friendly to Gandalf. They like the Fellowship, whether our heroes know it or not.

And NO, they can’t just fly into Mordor and drop the ring into Mount Doom. It doesn’t work that way, haters.

Shirt.Woot, being the best.

Today’s Gollum Meter: 30 – “Haha! You can’t follow them anymore! Can’t touch this! *Hammer slide*”

But we’re coming to the rapids! Look out! Do a barrel roll!

Perhaps traveling by barrel would actually be safer. Bilbo and the dwarves did it. Worked out great. Weee!

Words My Computer Didn’t Like:

-wind-writhen

-eyots

I assume “wind-writhen” to be akin to “windblown/swept”. You know, “wuthered”. As in “heights”.

BRONTË REFERENCE. BOOM.

“‘Hoy there, Aragorn!’ shouted Boromir, as his boat bumped into…”

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Page 285 – “…sky; but before long Sam could see for himself…”

This would be Alfred Hitchcock’s favorite page.

Prometheus would hate it.

The black cloud is made of crows! They swoop in quickly, and Aragorn pushes Sam flat to the ground. Once they are long gone, Aragorn rouses Gandalf. They decide that these birds must be spies. This land is watched, and likely too is the Redhorn Gate. Instead of resting for the night, they must get moving again, much to the dismay of Pippin, who moans about it. Sam, meanwhile, shows a marked disability with maps.

First Mentions:

-Fangorn: The ancient forest south of here, near Isengard. We’ll learn so much more about it, but for now, know that the birds are from here.

There’s a special name for these crows: “crebain”. I thought of giving that a First Mention, but in reality it’s just the word for “crows” in the elven tongue. Not worth it!

Fellowship of the LATE: 10 pages

Oh, we’ve hit double digits. This is real.

Now, what’s the deal with Sam here? He apparently can’t read a map for beans.

What IS this madness?

He’s expecting to see Mount Doom any minute now. In fact, he quite reckoned that one of these great peaks before them would be it, until Gimli starting talking about them. But they’re totally close, right? Sam has no concept of distance, although you would think he’d at least be able to look at a map and see that they would have to cross at least two mountain ranges before even coming near Mount Doom. That’s not distance, it’s just logic.

To boot, he takes a dig at the dwarven language, calling it “a fair jaw-cracker”. In fairness, the hard consonant sounds probably constitute the backbone of his argument, but he doesn’t seem to be able to appreciate the beauty of it. I do, but mostly because I’m a huge nerd. Zirakzigil!

How about a fair jawBREAKER?

Words My Computer Didn’t Like:

-crebain

-Fangorn

Onward, Fellowship! Over the Misty Mountains cold!

“All that day the Company remained in hiding. The dark birds…”

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Page 267 – “‘And yet its vigilance can no longer keep back the Nine…’”

Burn, Galdor, BURN!

Some men just want to watch the world burninate.

Of course, the jab comes at the expense of Boromir and Gondor. For how much he rails on about how awesome Gondor is, he forgets that his wonderful kingdom has lost the last few battles, and let through the notorious Nine. Whoops. Well, anyway, Elrond makes the statement that the ring cannot go west to the sea. That would be the easiest path, and thus the most likely to be watched. But wait! Boromir has a bright idea! Use the ring! Right? Right, guys?

NO.

Elrond shuts him down. Only powerful beings can wield the ring, and even then only for evil. Anyone who could defeat Sauron with his ring would then supplant him on the dark throne. That’s no good, and that’s why the ring must ultimately be destroyed: so that possibility can never come to pass.

However, it’s Elrond who brings up taking the ring to Mount Doom. He mentions it just before Boromir proposes his latest terrible idea.

"Wait...could one simply walk into Mordor?"

But actually, the options for what to do with the ring have been steadily narrowed down. Destroying it in the fires of Mount Doom is kind of the only thing left. It’s like picking Steve Buscemi to be your partner in an acting scene. All of your other choices are probably more attractive, but the one you’re left with will probably accomplish your goals more than the others could have ever hoped to. Does that make any sense?

Don't you facepalm me, Steve!

Okay, so that’s ultimately just another idea shot down. How much longer until we just stick with a plan here?

Note: I’m not getting tired of the Council…but at some point they’re going to exhaust all the other options. That can’t be too far away.

“‘Then in Gondor we must trust to such weapons as…’”

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Page 266 – “‘…could, soon or late the Lord of the Rings would learn…’”

Hey! That’s the name of the book!

Yeah, I know, I’ve used that joke before. But it hasn’t come up in the title of a post yet, and that truly is the best place to make the joke. Deal with it.

What’s today’s plan? Throw it into the sea!

Getting rid of the ring will be as easy as skipping a stone!

But really, after deciding not to send the ring to Tom Bombadil, talk turns to either sending it across the sea or destroying it. Elrond believes that those across the sea will not take the ring, and in Rivendell they have not the power to destroy it. Well, isn’t that a pickle! Glorfindel argues that the only course left is to throw it into the deeps, where it will stay. Of course, it can’t be that easy. Not only would it eventually find a way to be discovered, but Sauron is probably expecting the ring to leave Rivendell on the western roads. He only needs to go through Gondor before he can march straight up the coastline.

Uh oh, team! Whatever can we do?

Everyone here does agree that the strength of arms does not exist between them to hold off the might of Sauron. They wouldn’t be able to hold out in Rivendell, nor in the Grey Havens. Times is bad.

Isn’t this the point where Gandalf needs to butt in and propose journeying all the way to Mount Doom? That happens to be the one option that nobody’s brought up yet. Well, I guess that might be because of the inherent and terrible danger associated with that plan, but it’s an option, right? And it is the one that wins out in the end. Are we just saving that for later so that we can dramatically bring it up in the middle of an argument?

Yeah, sailing over the sea sounds better.

Also, my apologies to Círdan, the elven shipwright, whose name I was misspelling. Those accented “í’s” are hard to see!

Here I am, apologizing to fictional characters, and minor fictional characters at that! I think my life is turning out great.

“‘But Gondor stands, and even the end of its strength is still very strong.’”

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